Celebrity Gossip . . . Story at 11:00

Celebrity Gossip . . . Story at 11:00

Has the banality of our own lives become so overwhelming that we have to seek solace in the knowledge that celebrities are just as f---ed up as we are? We’ve even gone so far in recent years as to actually care about their interactions and deem them newsworthy.

Tonight at 11:00, the DNA results in the Anna Nicole Smith baby lottery.

It’s bad enough with the supposedly legitimate news agencies broadcasting Larry Birkhead raising his arms in victory as if to say, “I’m not sterile!” But to see it re-broadcast over and over again because there were so many of us out there that actually gave a shit, that was the real kick. Is it just me or would this whole thing have been much more interesting if Ms. Smith would have been able to keep her legs closed during her grossly overextended 15 minutes. There’s a reason that there hasn’t been an Anna Nicole Smith sex tape---everyone’s seen it, personally, so it wouldn’t be any big deal.

Again, this past weekend people were anxiously glued to their televisions awaiting the latest surrounding Alec Baldwin’s cell phone tirade. Truth be told, not only was this leak most likely premeditated, it was pathetic. It’s got to be hard enough to be a parent let alone being a parent that is held under the kind of scrutiny that is usually reserved for a rectum in a Turkish airport.

They’re not role models kids, they’re entertainers and we have no right to hold them to a higher standard than we’re willing to hold ourselves. They eat, they drink and they go to work. They drink Starbuck’s, drive too fast, sleep too little and sometimes they overindulge. They say things they regret, they do things they regret and every so often they have to eat crow just like we do.

We’re at blame here for allowing the media to shove this drek down our throats like a Frenchman making fois gras. We eat it all up with a fork, hang on every word like Trekkies listening to Leonard Nimoy at the annual meeting of the Vulcan nation (his name’s Leonard Nimoy kids, Mr. Spock was a character-not a real person you weirdos), and then beg for seconds. The day will come when our nightly news broadcasts will vaguely resemble Access Hollywood with weather and sports.

So let’s just take some liberty here and leave it at that. Hollywood parents are just as f---ed up as any parent, Keith Richards will probably snort his mother too, and underage celebrities drink and do more drugs than regular underage kids because they have more money. Simon Cowell is delightfully sarcastic, Sanjaya is the new William Hung, and Paula is a dipshit; Randy is just Randy. Tom is a couch-jumping freak, Britney’s a half-step up from trailer trash, Donald is an egomaniacal megalomaniac whose opinions differ from Rosie’s, who is also an egomaniacal megalomaniac, and Angelina has probably slept with everybody she has ever co-starred in a movie with—including Winona, that shoplifting weirdo.